I guess a war broke out this morning? Not quite sure what to make of the media coverage, don't think anybody died yet, tensions are high, not even sure how we got into all of it, but this makes a lot of sense: Powerful men would rather start a war then go to therapy. I am also at war and just like Putin, I am not 100% sure against what, I am chasing something that is internalized and abstract and seems so imminent but is really a self-fulfilling prophecy. My body is dissociating to protect me. I understand and I value. But when I open my mind I experience paranoia, must give myself space for my coping and air for my mind. Thoughts of being unlovable, of every affection just being an act of pity, of loneliness I push myself into; Instead, I should see the progress and be proud of my vulnerability, honesty, of listening, regardless if I trust the feelings of how conflicted I am about what it even means. All I want is for our relationship to be the same and to develop in honesty and communication. I don't want a romantic relationship, I want a loving relation. And I did not destroy that by communicating. But I am actively destroying it by being cold, avoiding eye contact, feeling ashamed, feeling unreal, feeling powerless, useless, unattractive, little, demanding, selfish, dumb, weak, not enough. But what I really am is brave, hopeful, inspiring, beautiful, patient, honest, loyal, trusting, kind, confused, cute and zärtlich.